http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/en-EUMokoFeed10http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/93/eb95c648a648e7f6ccbaec2133eb1d_160x200.jpghttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/10/25/jump-7237870/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2009-10-24:/2009/10/25/jump-7237870/Sun, 25 Oct 2009 00:19:19 +0200 <p>When things are bad and you reach that point where you can't continue like you are, believe that the grass is greener, believe that as one door closes another one closes. Cliche maybe but cliche's only describe what commonly happens. I can confirm that the grass is vivid and vast, the sky is blue and I wonder why I didn't jump sooner! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/10/25/jump-7237870/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>jumpmoving-onclichehttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/10/25/jump-7237870/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/03/29/visitors-5852447/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2009-03-29:/2009/03/29/visitors-5852447/Sun, 29 Mar 2009 13:29:02 +0200 <p>In films people ask for there mothers during death scenes. But it is not dying that draws out the plea. It is pure fear. I have experienced that fear twice in my life. </p> <p>The first time it happened I sharing a dorm with a bunch of Isreali lads who were about to return to serve in the armed forces. This was back in 1999 in Australia. I was woken but I could not move. I had the overwhelming sense of an awesome power being around me. I wanted to cry out but my gaping mouth made no sound. I was completely paralysed. I felt utterly frozen to the spot. I felt like the air was being sucked from my lungs and as if a dark spirit stood over me. I thought I was going to die. And then I uttered the word, ‘Mama,’ and a tear rolled down my paralysed cheek. Then the silence faded, I could breath and I sobbed quietly, afraid of waking my dorm mates and totally in shock. It felt to me as if I had been visited by a malevolent force, by the angel of death…</p> <p>In 2004 I think, I was woken from my sleep in my old bedroom at my parents’ house by the tremendous sound of air rushing out of the open bedroom window, the sound becoming more concentrated and narrower, as if a gap were closing. Again I was paralysed. I could feel the air being sucked from my lungs and I was stunned into inaction. I had woken at the tail end of something awesomely powerful, because the room was filled with bright white light and the curtains were whipping in the air outside my bedroom window and then it was dark and the curtain hung limp and still. I shed a tear and uttered, ‘Mama’, though I only ever referred to her as mum. After a while, I forced myself out of bed and closed the window. I turned on the light and left it on. I was 29 years old and petrified by this experience. </p> <p>Were these isolated dreams? Was it the action of my synapses firing wildly, creating a waking nightmare? It seemed too real, real enough to make me more scared than I have ever been at any other time in my life, scared enough to make me regress for just a single stunned moment and real enough that it sends a tingle down my spine even now...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/03/29/visitors-5852447/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>breathlessvisitorswhite-lightangel-of-deathmamaparalysedhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/03/29/visitors-5852447/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/polyamorous-life-5654145/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2009-02-26:/2009/02/26/polyamorous-life-5654145/Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:44:47 +0100 <p>I awoke this morning around 11am having slept in to avert the effects of another life shortening night shift. While our little part of the world was sleeping, I was rushing through the night, one of two souls constituting the centre of a busy little cocoon surrounded by silent blue strobes. The flashing patterns of shadows amongst trees and houses and open ground are exhilarating, tiring, mesmerising and somehow otherworldly…</p> <p>On the radio a programme about polyamorous relationships plays. I lay in bed day dreaming. </p> <p>I wonder what the natural course of my wife’s bisexuality will be. Does it mean that she might ultimately find someone to bring into our lives, to live and share each day with us as equals?<br> I am happily married. God knows as the shifts and fools drain the energy from my lean body I can barely make enough time or desire to keep my wife happy, let alone cater for two. And yet I find myself day dreaming of being the centre of a tiny ménage a tois. But it is not a lustful one in the conventional sense. I day dream of sharing gardening, tea in the gazebo, winter evenings by the fire and TV. Only very occasionally do I imagine something sexual. </p> <p>It seems too good to be true. Is it really possible that double the number of good women in my life could double my happiness? Could it really be that we would all be satisfied and happy with such an arrangement? Clearly it would mean we no longer kept all our eggs in one basket, negating that frightening leap of faith, and blind trust in commitment whose true nature we will not know until we reach our deathbed. </p> <p>The day dream is one of strength and happiness in numbers. Of acceptance and contentment and living the life that looks and feels right. No affairs. No lies. Just openness and spice…</p> <p>Would another help us believe? Would we each have emotional security, never fully alone when the black clouds of argument roll in to burst asunder our normally close and happy life? And what of the one caught between the two, or left out. Is the reality of polyamorous life more likely to be one of jealousy and disappointment for everyone on a rolling rota? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/polyamorous-life-5654145/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>deathbedshift-workmenage-a-toisblue-strobepolyamoroussexual-adventureemotional-securitytea-in-the-gazebothreesomehttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/polyamorous-life-5654145/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/24/bisexual-encounter-anyone-5272166/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-12-24:/2008/12/24/bisexual-encounter-anyone-5272166/Wed, 24 Dec 2008 19:48:10 +0100 <p>Early in my relationship with my wife she confessed to me that she had had bisexual feelings since she was a teenager. She was afraid to tell me, fearing that I might be disgusted by this as her former husband had been. Being a red blooded male, I saw this as a bonus. The fantasy threesome might actually happen. She would have a dream come true, and in supporting her so would I! </p> <p>Well that was 5 years ago now and nothing seems to have happened (unless of course I simply haven’t been told about it). My wife knows that she can see someone without me to begin with but I’m pretty sure she hasn’t. She agreed to keep no secrets from me and I agreed to wait for an invite rather than assume I’d be involved. We’ve tried internet sites and joined the throngs of couples looking for a single bisexual girl that would be attractive and intelligent enough to enjoy the event with us. But there seems to be a lot of talk and promises that rarely come to anything for anyone. As if the fantasy is as far as many want to go. I wonder, if there are so many girls with bisexual feelings, how come so few are available for some frolics? I wonder too, what we can do to change our fortune. Is it just the British reserve that keeps people from chasing these dreams proactively? I find myself jealous of communities such as in ancient Rome who simply went to get what they wanted and felt no shame. </p> <p>I find myself wondering whether it could ever happen for us. I know too that my wife is still keen. Being a man, I multitask badly. That’s why when ever I think of this I don’t get much else done. But then, if I can’t multitask, what hope have I got if it ever happens?! I imagine it is the ultimate form of multitasking – keeping two girls happy in bed, even if it means just knowing when to stay out of the way! That’s why it is important to me that the person we share is the right character to have a laugh with no matter what happens. Her character is as important as her looks and figure. </p> <p>So, I’m asking you if you have any advice on how to help us make it happen or advice on what to do and not to do when it does. Your stories much awaited! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/24/bisexual-encounter-anyone-5272166/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>bisexualthreesomesexlesbianred-blooded-malehttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/24/bisexual-encounter-anyone-5272166/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/betrayal-loss-5230766/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-12-16:/2008/12/16/betrayal-loss-5230766/Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:20:56 +0100 <p>I was and perhaps still am capable of switching off my emotions and my moral compass to do what needs to be done. Reading Libby’s blog about finding a first love again reminds me of something I did that I regret to this day. After all, sometimes it is better to regret not doing something than to regret doing it…</p> <p>After several years away, I returned to work near my old home town and soon began to restore my friendships with those great people with whom I’d spent my wonderful formative years. </p> <p>One of those people was my first girlfriend. A wonderful girl to whom I lost my virginity aged 16. My relationship with her then had been stormy. It was a baptism of fire for me; a rollercoaster introduction to the world of women and relationships. </p> <p>Our first evening together felt so natural. She had a home and a happy marriage. She had a beautiful child whom I quickly became fond of. Once or twice a week I would go there and talk to her. She knew my work mates from our school days and became my muse as I off loaded my week of frustration about work or girlfriends of the time. She too, would talk about her frustrations and plans. I never gave much thought to her complaints about her overworked husband’s declining sex drive.</p> <p>Over a year she became my emotional rock, to whom I ran when things were going badly. We became close friends and I valued her friendship. This supportive and deep friendship was in such juxtaposition from the tempestuous relationship we had had, when she taught me about cruelty and betrayal. </p> <p>One night, I lay on the sofa opposite her and we chatted about life and drank sparkling wine. And then, before I knew what was happening, she was leaning over me, her auburn hair cascading down onto my chest. She kissed me passionately and said, “When are you going to seduce me then? It’s been six months since I had sex.”</p> <p>I was shocked. I had never seen it coming. I felt exhilarated and appalled at the same time. How could I betray her husband, who had been so welcoming to me? Soon after this first event, I mounted my motorcycle and road off into the city night, my mind awash with possibilities. </p> <p>Before long we were going out for drinks, something we had not previously done. We stole kisses on the way back to her house, petted in dark corners of the rumbling inferno. And smiled at her husband as he welcomed us back, asking how the pub had been. </p> <p>Then one day it was arranged. She could wait no longer. As a testosterone fuelled male, I felt it was necessary to me too. I cared about her, but I simply wanted to fuck her on the hard animal level of things. My moral compass and my mixed emotions were ignored. </p> <p>I dropped her husband at work and came back to the house. I entered his house with a cold stone of inevitability heavy in my stomach, and entered his wife with cold and calculating heart. The buy awoke in another room. She gripped my hard body as I sped up to satisfy my own desire before he could come knocking at the door. She gasped as I pounded. And when all was done not a smile flickered between us guilty lovers as we kissed and separated there in that bed. But I knew now that I was capable of anything; a dangerous adversary to anyone who dared cross me. </p> <p>Shortly after this event I moved away with work. I met a wonderful girl with whom I had the potential to be a life long partner. I called my first love to tell her we could not meet again as planned. I had to give this real relationship a chance. She told me she felt used. I let her hypocrisy lie. </p> <p>I did not see her again after that first cold fuck. In switching off my moral compass to satisfy my carnal desires, I had lost a great friendship and my place in a wonderful family. Some years later I tracked her down again to try to make sense of what had happened and rescue that important friendship. Her reply spoke of happy, growing family life and I decided it best to let it lie. </p> <p>I had several relationships with married women before I settled down. None brought me happiness until I met my wife this way. Now I am committed to my wife. I can no longer switch off my moral compass because it is ALL that I am, all that is left of me. Loyalty is everything to me now. To love and care for my children and wife and to not let them down. How far removed from the cold blooded man I once was.</p> <p>How I regretted being that man. How I regretted it daily for years. I thought of her so often, and suffered each time, only forgiving myself after ten years…</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/betrayal-loss-5230766/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tempestuousforgivenesshard-bodyauburn-hair-cascading-motorcyclewineoverworkedbetrayallossmoral-compassdeclining-sex-driveemotional-rockvirginitycold-fuckpoundinginfernobaptism-of-firefriendshiphttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/betrayal-loss-5230766/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/who-throws-a-shoe-5228665/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-12-15:/2008/12/16/who-throws-a-shoe-5228665/Tue, 16 Dec 2008 00:58:24 +0100 <p>Classic! George Bush dodging shoes in a press conference. If only after he ducked the first time he had risen from behind the lectern with his best Austin Powers impression said, “Ow! That really hurt! I mean, who throws a shoe anyway?!” </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/who-throws-a-shoe-5228665/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>shoebushthrowinghttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/who-throws-a-shoe-5228665/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/the-art-of-leadership-5191217/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-12-09:/2008/12/09/the-art-of-leadership-5191217/Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:12:09 +0100 <p>During my paramedic training some years back, I observed two very different leadership styles displayed by senior consultants in hospital. These two approaches represent for me the ‘how to’ and ‘how not to’ ends of the leadership scale. </p> <p>One consultant was scowling as she walked on to the critical care ward. The massed nurses, trading information about patients at shift change, half of them on their own time I might add, jumped to attention as this person started barking orders and demanding action. There was no hurry. This was no emergency situation. This was just a senior clinician marking her territory, flexing her power. In fact, to the keen observer, she was demonstrating a complete lack of it. Later that day, I remember watching her perform a surgical procedure in which she barked orders at flustered and rushing theatre technicians, chastising them for being too slow, which was not at all true. The patient, who was awake, must have been unnerved by the lack of calm in the room, despite the operation going very well. </p> <p>It seemed odd to me. This consultant had spent many years in training to reach their lofty clinical position yet had utterly failed to learn any people skills necessary to be a good team leader. She had clinical superiority (read more or less as managerial superiority) over dozens of staff but, upon further investigation, I was not surprised to discover she was universally disliked. So much so that when she deemed a person worthy of praise (this was never anyone unlikely to ever reach her rank), her words were met with defensive disbelief. </p> <p>Compare this individual with one at the other end of the scale. It is interesting that this man held an almost identical position of authority with the same members of staff and yet quietly managed to do his job to a world class standard without having to snap at people. A cool-headed, quiet man, equally skilled as his stroppy counterpart yet universally liked. Fear of disappointing him, of being held in low regard by him, rather than fear of the authority of his position of power motivated the same group of staff to go the extra mile for him, but in a calm, methodical way (the best way to avoid mistakes in a high stakes game). What is more, praise from this man of few words and great skill was high praise indeed. In short, he was inspirational rather than tyrannical in style. This is the way to achieve great respect from your team and great things with them.</p> <p>It boils down to a Machiavellian concept. In 'The Prince', Machiavelli points out that the best of all situations is to be both loved and feared in equal measure. To be loathed and feared is far from ideal. Adding this to the general rule that what goes up must come down, we can see that the quiet surgeon can expect a rosier present and future than his prickly counterpart. </p> <p>Being in a position of power does not make a person a good leader. It requires both innate characteristics and the ability to reflect and learn from experience and the teachings of others. Kipling wrote that part of being a man (lets take this to mean ‘developed and successful adult’) is to ‘keep your head while all around are losing theirs’ and to ‘walk with kings nor lose the common touch.’ Great leaders do not forget what it is like to be a trooper. They treat their staff with genuine respect and have a care for their physical and emotional well being. Our first surgeon has failed in this respect. She either lacks the innate characteristics (of genuine empathy, friendliness, sensitivity and the confidence to realise she does not need to throw her weight around all the time) or the ability to reflect on her interpersonal skills and learn, or both! </p> <p>Harbouring a not-so-secret desire to attain a position of leadership one day, I have always been fascinated with the qualities that make people great leaders. I have therefore been very aware of leadership styles and the characters of leaders. In this analysis I have come to two sad conclusions. </p> <p>Firstly, although I have had both good female and male bosses, in my experience men have tended to be proportionally more often better at leadership than women because they more often manage to be inspirational and to have quiet effective authority. You can draw your own conclusions from this and I would welcome your own experiences. I’ll expect some backlash! Perhaps women have to be much harder characters to become leaders in a male dominated world, but when they get there they too often fail to become great by virtue of those very same characteristics. </p> <p>Secondly, although there are really great women and men in leadership positions, there are too few really good, natural leaders out there, either male or female. And I think this is because people in leadership or managerial positions are mostly selected solely on their work experience in a role rather than having those characteristics that make them sensitive and inspirational leaders. It takes more than just knowing all about a subject to be a good leader! The ambulance service is mostly managed by people that lack those natural and learned characteristics. The result is a totally demoralised and defensive staff hindering the chances of the service reaching its full potential. Mismanagement isn’t just about squandering financial resources. It’s also about failing to value the human ones. </p> <p>So next time you come across the words, “Lead, follow or get out of the way,” consider how you think it should be done. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/the-art-of-leadership-5191217/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>natural-leadersgo-the-extra-milemachiavellisuperioritythrowing-weight-aroundpricklyglass-ceilingcalmnhs-mismanagementbarking-ordersleadershipkiplinguniversally-dislikedhigh-stakes-gamequietinspirationalhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/the-art-of-leadership-5191217/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/04/sleepless-5164458/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-12-04:/2008/12/04/sleepless-5164458/Thu, 04 Dec 2008 21:45:45 +0100 <p>I could not sleep last night. After just a couple of hours I awoke at 2am and spent the rest of the night with my mind in a turmoil; planning, remembering, regretting and wondering. It is all too easy to become utterly despondent when we do jobs we hate. I hold my employer beneath contempt and often wonder how I fell into such an intractable situation. Where did I go wrong? </p> <p>As I lay there, I thought of my friends who each has their own battle, their own demons. And I thought of my own situation in a different light. I hate my job but at least I have one. My choice to marry means that I do not feel the loneliness suffered by those whose careers I envy. I have made bad choices but they can be undone, unlike friends who have killed, maimed or been maimed. I have my family complete, my parents are alive and my children are healthy. I am not rich but by no means of the imagination am I poor in comparison to some. There is much to be thankful for. I have a reason to celebrate, to plan and to forge ahead. Not much longer and I can leave the dead end I am in and start to be happy with my working life again, as I should be with every other aspect of my existence. </p> <p>I guess the ideal start isn’t exactly to go to work after a long night of being sleepless… but then sometimes revelations can be better than rest.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/04/sleepless-5164458/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>healththankfulcelebrateregretrememberingdespondentmarriagehttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/12/04/sleepless-5164458/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/19/nhs-standard-issue-5065290/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-11-19:/2008/11/19/nhs-standard-issue-5065290/Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:50:52 +0100 <p>I just worked two 14 hour days both without timely breaks and almost exclusively for people who didn’t really need the services of an emergency ambulance. Having our time wasted is the one shared experience that all NHS employees have in common. Which is why, after about 6 months of working for the NHS, each and every employee is issued with a pair of standard issue roll back eyes! Eye rolling – the silent way to say “For fuck’s sake!” </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/19/nhs-standard-issue-5065290/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>for-fucks-sakeambulancewasted-timenhsemergencyeye-rollinghttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/19/nhs-standard-issue-5065290/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/09/remembering-those-injured-in-conflict-5007427/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-11-09:/2008/11/09/remembering-those-injured-in-conflict-5007427/Sun, 09 Nov 2008 13:09:18 +0100 <p>There will be many who use their blog today to attack the politics of war, the military industrial complex or class system. I would ask them to refrain from offending those tragically affected by war or military service, just for today. Those caught up in the tragedy of war have much to contend with every day but especially today. There is no need to add to their pain with cold comments.</p> <p>I hope you are fortunate enough not to know what it is like to get that phone call as friends communicate the news of the maiming of one of their own or to experience the daily concern for the friends affected. It is a long and rocky road of frustration and sadness, with a few victories lighting the way. The life changing nature of illness and injury sustained in theatres of war around the world is devastating and sad for all those involved. For those more recently affected it is likely that they chose to put themselves in these dangerous situations by virtue of career choice. Yes, if we live by the sword we die by the sword but it makes the tragedy no less terrible or sad.</p> <p>Much of Remembrance Day is geared around those who made the ‘ultimate’ sacrifice. As we remember them we should also remember those whose sacrifice is made each day (and is perhaps more terrible for it) and the family and friends who have suffer with them. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/09/remembering-those-injured-in-conflict-5007427/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>militarylive-by-the-swordinjuredrememberswordsufferedremembrance-dayultimate-sacrificepolitics-of-warhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/09/remembering-those-injured-in-conflict-5007427/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/06/a-message-of-condolence-for-barack-obama-4995508/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-11-06:/2008/11/06/a-message-of-condolence-for-barack-obama-4995508/Thu, 06 Nov 2008 19:55:27 +0100 <p>Dear Barack, </p> <p>It must have been overwhelming to stand on the stage knowing that you would be the first ever black president of the USA. We have all seen the joy and celebration of your family, inspirational civil rights leaders and, it seems, a huge proportion of the free world. Congratulations. </p> <p>I hope that the reality of your position will not disappoint you (or us!). For even presidential power is limited by the need to maintain the support of those with power and influence; the business community, judiciary, world leaders, voters and finally leaders of the military industrial complex that has been a sad reality of Republican mismanagement. </p> <p>The need to compromise and negotiate to achieve any of your, as yet unknown, ‘Changes’, will limit what you can do. We do not yet know whether you will act solely in America’s domestic interests or try to repair the damage to America’s reputation abroad. It will be difficult. In the cold light of day, it is frightening for me to see that millions of your fellow countrymen voted for yet another republican presidency, albeit led by a much more capable and decent man. Surely this hails an uphill struggle for you. Not so hard to change a presidency by a small majority. Much harder to change the outlook and persuasions of nearly half the voting population! At least McCain was great enough a man to call for them to support you. </p> <p>The sea change in American politics gives us hope for a better future. I believe that Your grandmother, who played such a huge part in making you the person that so many people feel that they can trust with their lives, moral leadership and future safety and prosperity, would be proud of you. </p> <p>Standing on that stage I wonder whether your thoughts were tinged with terrible sadness that that great lady had not lived to witness the moment of certainty, the mandate of millions confirmed. </p> <p>I think perhaps she chose to depart this life at that moment for a simple, wonderful reason; to get the best possible view, looking down upon you from the Gods to celebrate with us in a moment of triumph for America, the world, your family and you. </p> <p>My thoughts are with you.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/06/a-message-of-condolence-for-barack-obama-4995508/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>changescondolencedeathwonderfulmccaingrandmotherbarack-obamadomestic-politicsstrugglesadnesscompromisehttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/06/a-message-of-condolence-for-barack-obama-4995508/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/06/obama-s-religious-beliefs-4994799/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-11-06:/2008/11/06/obama-s-religious-beliefs-4994799/Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:22:00 +0100 <p>Now that he has secured the most powerful office in the world, speculation about his religious beliefs has sparked a heated theological debate on a popular blog. </p> <p><a href="http://atheism.about.com/b/2008/05/10/barack-obamas-religious-beliefs-background-what-does-barack-obama-believe.htm">http://atheism.about.com/b/2008/05/10/barack-obamas-religious-beliefs-background-what-does-barack-obama-believe.htm</a></p> <p>I’m a bit sad that this link has been usurped to have a theological argument instead of talking about Obama. I agree with him. The way to heaven, if it exists, must be through the application of high morals and doing good. This is what Jesus meant. By ‘me’ he did not mean that we must believe in him as Son of God. He meant that we should live by his example. It was his teachings and actions that were his essence, which he knew could bring mankind to salvation from itself. It is through being like him as best we can in word and deed to others, not necessarily worshipping him as a personality, that we find our way to heaven. We can earn our place by actions and deeds to others, not through saying the most prayers and arguing the best theology. Hence, a moral life is the route to God and heaven or at least eternal life in the memories of those that live on… </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/06/obama-s-religious-beliefs-4994799/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>son-of-godtheologicalthe-key-to-eternal-lifetheologyobamas-religionbarack-obamamoral-lifesalvationhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/11/06/obama-s-religious-beliefs-4994799/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/19/love-to-laugh-4894109/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-10-19:/2008/10/19/love-to-laugh-4894109/Sun, 19 Oct 2008 10:26:51 +0200 <p>If you're anything like me, you spend a lot of time surfing the net and you read an awful lot of profiles. </p> <p>So a common phrase that comes up is, "I love to laugh". </p> <p>Can anyone explain what this means? It's just that the only people I've ever come across who didn't 'love to laugh' had broken ribs! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/19/love-to-laugh-4894109/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>surfingbroken-ribsprofilelove-to-laughhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/19/love-to-laugh-4894109/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/19/green-lights-4893261/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-10-19:/2008/10/19/green-lights-4893261/Sun, 19 Oct 2008 01:28:50 +0200 <p>I was sat in the front passenger seat of a tired top of the range BMW speeding through the beautiful chalk, beech and oak countryside of the home counties. There were scratches and dents in the body work. The mileage was high. </p> <p>The man by my side was born in a different era, a time when Roger Moore’s James Bond would have been an icon rather than a fun fantasy. This man believed that somewhere out there that 007 life existed. Despite all his efforts he had failed to find it. The broken man had only ever hoped his wife would admire him like a Bond girl. The shine soon wore off the trophy. </p> <p>“You know,” he said to me, smoothing his ‘Bondesque’ blacked and Brylcreamed hair, “there was a time when it was just open road ahead of me and I could do no wrong. I was motoring and it seemed to me then that all the lights were green…”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/19/green-lights-4893261/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>fantasytrophy-wifebondjames-bondroger-moore007iconbroken-manhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/19/green-lights-4893261/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/01/for-richer-for-poorer-4807602/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-10-01:/2008/10/01/for-richer-for-poorer-4807602/Wed, 01 Oct 2008 18:02:51 +0200 <p>Like many, money is a frequent topic of conversation in our house. This is becoming more so with the effects of the credit crunch. It used to be that my wife could contribute via her online business and a few local odd jobs, but as people have less money to spend, the luxuries that she caters for are less sought after and her business is suffering. It falls on me to bridge the gap. </p> <p>I think most people have an inflated idea of the remuneration paid to paramedics and other ambulance staff for working shifts on a pattern that spans 365 days a year and 24 hours a day, for making life and death decisions in difficult circumstances. You'd think that we would receive at least as much as emergency service providers in other sectors. But for those hood-winked by the smoke and mirrors of Agenda for Change that is not the case. </p> <p>Agenda for Change was a government backed, national initiative to change pay for NHS employees. For some it was welcome. Those already employed by the NHS before a certain cut off date saw a small drop in their basic pay coupled with a 25% rise in pay overall and found themselves much better off. However, for those joining in late 2004 or after and expecting similar pay scales it was a very different story. Basic pay was dropped substantially before the 25% unsocial hours payment was added. This had two effects. </p> <p>Firstly, the later joiners had only a very minor increase in their initial salary (barely keeping step with inflation before the credit crunch) which was nothing like what they were led to believe it would be by HR departments selling the role as attracting the old salary with a bonus for working unsocial hours. For those who had left other better paid jobs to pursue a career in caring for others and making that decision within tight financial limitations, having the rug pulled from under them in this was came as a great surprise. For some, it left them in a financial dilemma. Many left their basic training courses before completion, the tax payers' money wasted through company negligence in the wording of recruitment literature by HR departments. It just wasn't enough money to live on. </p> <p>Secondly, it created a two tier system of pay within the services. In the ambulance service, it meant that a person with just a little more experience but who joined before the A4C cut off date was earning £4,000 a year more than the later starters for the same work and level of responsibility. It flew in the face of A4C's claim to champion equality in the work place. To rub salt in the wound, those on the lower bracket could never earn as much as the others even when their experience was matched because the longer serving (if only by a year) would receive annual increments related to their grossly higher salary set before the A4C cut off date. They would always be miles ahead.</p> <p>So, for many, A4C has failed in its attempts to address pay concerns of NHS staff. Like society itself, the ambulance service at least, is now a tiered system made up of the rich and the poor. Sadly, I fit into the latter category.</p> <p>As always, no matter how low the reward for what I do (currently I earn much less in my job than I could earn if I were working similar hours in industry such as on a production line screwing tops on bottles!), there is always some one worse off. </p> <p>The services are now replacing Technicians with Emergency Care Assistants who are trained almost to the same degree (and in reality will have to perform similar roles) but with just a few small exceptions which allow the trust to pay them significantly less. </p> <p>By downskilling the job of technician, the trusts can save themselves a whole shed load of money. The patients could suffer, but who's counting? Not the trusts.</p> <p>Emergency Care Assistants earn just £14,500 to begin with. Could you live on that? Maybe. But would you work nights and weekends, bank holidays and Christmas knee deep in vomit and excrement for that? Would you accept the responsibility for lives, face violence and see disturbing images every day for less than the national average salary? I guess most would say no. Money isn't everything. It can even do more harm than good. But so can too little money. It degrades and demoralises. I know I wouldn't want a person who felt degraded and demoralised in charge of my care were I to need urgent assistance. It's a reality though. It effects us all. </p> <p>I want to lay to rest the myth that everyone in the ambulance service is comfortably well off in return for stepping up to the plate day after day to save the public. I want to ask you to remember this if you have cause to talk to or be treated by us. Our only reward is job satisfaction and the praise and thanks of our patients to brighten our day, especially if it's pay day! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/01/for-richer-for-poorer-4807602/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>a4cagenda-for-changeemergency-care-assistantpay-mythknee-deep-in-vomitecahttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/01/for-richer-for-poorer-4807602/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/01/annoying-filters-4807577/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-10-01:/2008/10/01/annoying-filters-4807577/Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:58:09 +0200 <p>Having trouble posting here today. Discussed money and the system thinks Im advertising a job! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/01/annoying-filters-4807577/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/10/01/annoying-filters-4807577/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/28/the-ultimate-matrimonial-pleasure-4792210/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-09-28:/2008/09/28/the-ultimate-matrimonial-pleasure-4792210/Sun, 28 Sep 2008 17:24:34 +0200 <p>The greatest pleasure I know is when my wife laughs from the bottom of her heart. When she laughs, I find myself transported to cathedrals of joy... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/28/the-ultimate-matrimonial-pleasure-4792210/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cathedrals-of-joypleasurelaughterhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/28/the-ultimate-matrimonial-pleasure-4792210/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/26/ambulance-stacking-4783725/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-09-26:/2008/09/26/ambulance-stacking-4783725/Fri, 26 Sep 2008 15:03:08 +0200 <p>I noticed today that a government report has flagged up the stacking of ambulances at A&E as a problem. It has finally been admitted that this is a systemic failure. So I'm writing this as a note to my entry about eight minute deadlines and the use of cars instead of ambulances. </p> <p>Stacking happens for two reasons. Firstly, in busy periods the A&E department cannot process the patients fast enough. There is not much that can be done about that since there is a finite number of people that hard pressed A&E staff can see and treat at one time, especially if the cases involve complex mechanical and medical trauma. </p> <p>Secondly, the A&E is assessed on its ability to process patients within 4 hours of being booked in. So in busy periods, the obvious answer is not to book them in until they are more or less ready to see and treat them. Until the patient is booked in to the A&E, they are the responsibility of the ambulance staff. This adds to continuity of care but while the ambulance crew is waiting for A&E to accept the patient (i.e. when they pretty much know that they can meet their 4 hour target) the ambulance is not available to respond to other emergency calls. </p> <p>There may be some argument that cars (discussed in my previous entry) allow crewed ambulances to be diverted to more serious incidents because the car drivers can not only hold the fort at real jobs but also filter out the rubbish ones that don't require A&E attendance. However, this isn't always the case. A car medic dealing with a serious incident is unlikely to get urgently required backup in time if there happens to be another category A job around the corner because their 8 minute deadline has been met and the dispatchers are under pressure not to miss the other deadline. Remember, once a medic is on scene, the clock has stopped and nobody seems to care what the outcome is. In other words, the use of targets can be detrimental to patient care, even to survival. It is a source of huge frustration for crews attending time wasters when they know a colleague is fighting to save a critically ill patient. It happens alot. </p> <p>If we consider all these factors we can see that resources are really not available to respond to time critical emergencies in an effective manner. The replacement of 40% of ambulances with cars which cannot transport patients and the holding up of those remaining 60% at A&E for long periods means that transport to definitive care is bound to be delayed for other patients. The cost would be measured in lives, if anyone was measuring...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/26/ambulance-stacking-4783725/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>stackingpatient-stackingaemeasured-in-livesambulance-stackingemergencydeadlinesunisontraumanhswaste-of-resourceshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/26/ambulance-stacking-4783725/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/24/3486085c090950189e0668d0129e5c04-in-the-gutter-4775538/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-09-24:/2008/09/24/3486085c090950189e0668d0129e5c04-in-the-gutter-4775538/Wed, 24 Sep 2008 22:25:07 +0200 <p>Ambulance resources can be pretty stretched dealing with jobs which are not really life threatening emergencies. Official statistics tell us that 9 out of 10 dispatches are to non-life threatening emergencies. But the ambulance service is faced with the need to achieve sufficient government funding for development by making the 8 minute deadline in responding to these types of jobs. To do so, their response is to send a single medic in a fast response car. Typically the car driver will be sent to report back on resource requirements on scene and hold the fort until those resources arrive. Once on scene, these fast response car medics stop the clock. There is no further auditable oversight. The dispatchers have made their target and there is no longer a financial incentive or even much of a medical one for rushing other resources to the scene.</p> <p>So how does this affect you? Well, firstly it is important to bear in mind that two person traditional ambulances are not being complimented by the cars but gradually and partially replaced by them. Having more cars is cheaper and allows more 8 minute deadlines to be met. But there is a limit to what a single medic can do for you. Indeed, in many causes of trauma and medical emergency, the JRCALC guidelines (a sort of ambulance personnel bible) instruct us to transport the patient without delay to definitive medical care i.e. hospital resuscitation departments and/or surgical theatres. Sometimes rapid surgical intervention is all that will save you. </p> <p>Quite simply, delays on scene as you wait for transport which is fewer and farther between could leave you bleeding to death on the side of the road, your last view a helpless medic who’s done all they can. And since outcomes are rarely audited like response times are, no one but us would know.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/24/3486085c090950189e0668d0129e5c04-in-the-gutter-4775538/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>traumayoujrcalcbleeding-to-deathfast-response-carshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/24/3486085c090950189e0668d0129e5c04-in-the-gutter-4775538/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/20/8-minutes-to-disaster-4754733/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-09-20:/2008/09/20/8-minutes-to-disaster-4754733/Sat, 20 Sep 2008 18:41:38 +0200 <p> If you caught the Dispatches programme about the ambulance service the other night, then you have had a fairly realistic insight into what kind of jobs ambulance crews get presented with day to day. Official statistics tell us that only 10% of the jobs we go to as category A, the ones where we have to arrive within 8 minutes of the call being made, actually required a fast response. </p> <p>Fast response usually requires fast driving and although we are highly trained and often experienced drivers, we cannot change the laws of physics. If it is going to go wrong, a wheel dropping off or someone pulling out in front of us for example, it will be devastating and may involve more vehicles than just our own. Thankfully, because of driving standards, such incidents are rare, but you can't get away from the fact that we are putting people, including ourselves, at a certain amount of risk when rushing to people who don't really need us. The eight minute response time target ups the chances of someone getting hurt to help someone who, 9 times out of 10, isn't. </p> <p>So what do we do? A review is the most obvious step. Something to allow dispatchers the opportunity to have more discretion in deciding which category a patient falls into and therefore the speed of the response, not to mention the possibility that we can be redirected to someone who needs us more. </p> <p>What I mean is this; frequently we have to respond to known time wasters as category A patients (with all the inherent dangers discussed above) because they always complain of symptoms that make them category A. So when we are en route can will not be redirected even if a genuine patient calls for help. When I complain, I am told of the adage that the timewaster may one day actually need help. Everyone reminds me of the boy who cried wolf. Except that in the boy who cried wolf the sheep eventually get eaten. The boy is punished for his transgressions. </p> <p>The time wasters we go to, who tie up resources and put the lives of other road users and patients at risk, are never punished. In effect the villagers never tire of coming out en masse to scare off the big bad wolf. Years go by and every time the same fool screams help they come. No one dares to say enough is enough. Not such a meaningful fable is it? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/20/8-minutes-to-disaster-4754733/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>the-laws-of-physicstime-wasters8-minute-response-timesthe-boy-who-cried-wolf8-minutes-to-disasterhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/20/8-minutes-to-disaster-4754733/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/13/c1523c434a918f70c6efa20c289e1a63-4720344/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-09-12:/2008/09/13/c1523c434a918f70c6efa20c289e1a63-4720344/Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:11:27 +0200 <p>There is a culture of silence within the NHS which ensures that the general public don’t get to find out about disastrous policies and dangerous practices until the staff feel there’s no alternative. </p> <p>I’m sure the general public would know just how bad things are but for the power of the blatant gagging clause and financial threats inherent within NHS contracts. NHS employees are not allowed to discuss company matters, even when they leave. Pure and simple. </p> <p>As a consequence, when things get unbearable, you’ll only hear about anonymous letters sent to the department of health and local MP’s and press. Despite whistle blowing policies that are supposed to protect people who are concerned and want to protect patients, staff and the trusts they work for, no one, no matter how well meaning, will put their name to their exposure of bad practice in the NHS. </p> <p>It is widely accepted amongst my colleagues that our employer has a long memory. If an employee exposes poor management or dangerous practice within the trust, they may well be protected by official whistle blowing policies and therefore untouchable at the time. However, they know from experience that area and regional managers within the company will have marked their card as a trouble maker. The end of their career is practically a certainty, because it is human nature to make mistakes, no matter how hard we try, but those who tow the line have theirs overlooked more often than not. </p> <p>We have seen time served, experienced and excellent paramedics dropped like hot stones as soon as they have given the management half an excuse. The persecution is covert yet obvious to all who watch it. And though bitter and angry when one of us takes a hit from people supposedly in our corner, most simply accept it. The unions traded away their teeth. The heart and soul of the workforce has squeezed out of it by snakes in the grass. Anonymous letters are all we have left to say our piece. </p> <p>So here is an example of something that will affect you, either directly or indirectly, at some point in your life. </p> <p>The trust earns bonuses from government based on meeting performance targets. Like many government organisations these targets are supposed to ensure that certain standards are met. And like many organisations, the NHS cooks the books to ensure it meets these targets. </p> <p>Take these two examples. </p> <p>In order to earn bonuses, the response time to serious and life threatening category A calls is 8 minutes from the point when 999 is dialled. Putting aside the officially recognised fact that only 10% of these calls turn out to be serious or life threatening and that the risk posed to the public, let alone the inconvenience caused by ambulances blue lighting to scene, it is virtually impossible to make these deadlines in a large vehicle in rural areas. </p> <p>Little does the public know that, despite being billed by the trusts as the way to save lives by arriving within this 8 minute deadline, the fast response cars being purchased and fielded all over the country may actually pose a threat to patient health. </p> <p>JRCALC guidelines, the emergency medical bible, states quite clearly that despite the broadening range of care that clinicians can provide on scene, sometimes timely and rapid removal to a hospital is the only thing that can save some patients. After all, we can hardly perform complex surgery in ditches. The guidelines make it clear that rapid transport to definitive care is paramount. If your patient is bleeding internally, for example, any delay can kill them. </p> <p>But what people don’t realise is that when a medic arrives on scene, the clock stops. There is no financial incentive for the trust to rush further help to the scene. The medic on scene is not able to take the patient to hospital. And since the medic was probably sent to ‘take a look’ before calling for an ambulance crew, the ambulance may well take much longer to arrive. The risk is that patients could bleed to death in the street who might have survived had they been transported by an ambulance that had been dispatched to the scene to begin with. </p> <p>The problem is that such deaths will go undetected and so their occurrence will not lead to better practice. In audit terms, if we arrive in 8 minutes and the patient dies, it is considered a successful job. If we arrive in 10 and the patient lives, it’s a failure. </p> <p>I’d like to be able to say that the figures will out, but they don’t measure outcomes, only response times. Government standards could well kill you or a loved one. </p> <p>To add insult to injury, if you do make it to hospital the crew will be held up by the hospital that is also beholden to arbitrary time limits set by people who don’t know any better. </p> <p>A&E staff will not accept non-urgent cases from crews until they are practically able to begin treating the patient. This is due to the waiting time limit of four hours set on A&E departments. The clock doesn’t start until we hand over our patient and book them in. So, to further stretch ambulance resources, crews can wait up to an hour or more for hospitals to accept their patient. The patient has waited 5 hours to be treated by staff, but the four hour standard has been met. </p> <p>Understandable or not, everyone is cooking the books. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/13/c1523c434a918f70c6efa20c289e1a63-4720344/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>snakes-in-the-grassanonymous-letters4-hour-deadline8-minute-response-timestraded-away-their-teethcooking-the-booksperformance-targetskill-themexposurewhistle-blowerhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/13/c1523c434a918f70c6efa20c289e1a63-4720344/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/09/emotional-quicksand-4704481/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-09-09:/2008/09/09/emotional-quicksand-4704481/Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:54:28 +0200 <p>A long time ago my friend was caught playing away by his girlfriend. More precisely, a mistress that was unknown to any of his immediate circle discovered that he had being seeing another girl, who was known to all as his girlfriend. How the little lathario managed to juggle the demands of two women for two years remains a mystery to me but I also have a little of that awe-struck respect for him coursing through my veins even now. I had a little of that ‘Wayne’s World’ “we’re not worthy!” about me for a long time afterwards. </p> <p>At the time that the mistress, who considered herself to be girlfriend wronged by his having been playing away with a mistress (confused?) lost the plot. The response was bunny boiling of the worst possible sort. I first learned of these events and the fact that he had been seeing her and that the girl we knew was considered by her to be the mistress when I received a breathless call from my friend asking me to go online without delay and delete his Facebook account. Evidently, she had threatened to use this double edge sword to publish something about him which he preferred to keep secret. When I called him later to ask how things were going, he regailed the story of this woman’s threats to contact his employer and tell them what kind of person he was. </p> <p>Given that she had introduced herself to me on Facebook and made all kinds of odd statements about her relationship with him and asked me all kinds of things that I felt were inappropriate to mention to someone you don’t know and have never met, I totally believed that she was the sort to really call his employer. I was informed by him that she had also called him at all hours of the night and that on several occasions since their split she had compelled him to spend the night with her. She was losing the plot without him and could not sleep at night. She was coming unhinged. </p> <p>Now, I don’t know about you, but I consider involving family or employers of a person, no matter how badly you feel you have been treated (short of dangerous or criminal activity) to be totally beyond the pale. It’s not cricket to involve others and most people, even when feeling so betrayed by such bastardly behaviour as she had suffered, would know this and not threaten it. I have dealt with mentally ill patients on many occasions and my assessment of her behaviour was that she was showing signs of being mentally unwell, beyond reason and normality. I felt for her, but my loyalty was to my friend and no matter how he’d behaved, he didn’t deserve the millstone of a psycho ruining his life. </p> <p>So, adopting the typical male approach to a problem, i.e. providing a solution, I advised my friend in no uncertain terms that he should delete her from his life, both figuratively and in practice. Do it without delay, I told him, and do it clinically or you’ll regret it. Starve her of the oxygen of publicity. After all, we were now dealing with an emotional terrorist. A quick kill of their relationship would ultimately be a much more humane way of escaping than the false hopes and mixed messages inherent responding to her emotional needs. </p> <p>It is the outcome of this advice that has prompted me to write this blog today. On a subsequent call my mate advised me that they were making a go of it. My foot was well and truly in my mouth!</p> <p>Having not had much to do with them for a while, a mediating friend in common organised a party and we met for the first time since this fracas had occurred. I approached this with an open mind. Perhaps I had been too quick to judge. Perhaps my cold and clinical approach had been too harsh and too soon for both of them. </p> <p>The thing is, no matter how I tried to be charitable about her in my party appraisal, I could not understand why he was with her. She seemed to be in a depressive phase of bipolar disorder. She saw no humour in anything, was quiet and reserved. In short, she was nothing like his previous girlfriends. Why oh why was he with her?!</p> <p>Considering this question on the journey home it suddenly dawned on me what might have happened. </p> <p>Being a good looking guy my mate has never had any trouble picking up beautiful and desirable girls, but his temper for a woman’s temperament is short and he has always either been caught playing away and been dumped by them or done the dumping himself before too long. The thing is, these girls, being feisty, vivacious and attractive have also been able to hold their heads high, strike out on their own and recover quickly from the experience of seeing him. In sort, they have told him to fuck off and then moved on. </p> <p>So my friend, who is a sensitive artistic type, has never had to deal with the emotional blackmail of a jilted and hurt girl. Not for long anyway...</p> <p>But remember how he had answered to this one’s calls in the middle of the night and bent to her pleas. He did not have the essential tool in his social survival kit, the ability to switch off empathy and look after number one. His conscience was keeping him in a situation he was clearly unhappy in. </p> <p>I figured that his relationship was a bit like my work situation. The more he struggled the deeper in the shit he found himself. I think perhaps he has convinced himself that he really wants to drown in the emotional quicksand because he has no idea how to get out of it. </p> <p>I too have no clue, but I'm still struggling! Who is wiser? You tell me...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/09/emotional-quicksand-4704481/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>bipolarmentaldouble-edged-swordfuckingemotionbreathlessstrugglingwaynes-worldquicksandthreatssexmistressdesirable-girlswere-not-worthyfacebookemployerhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/09/09/emotional-quicksand-4704481/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/drinkproblem-4634781/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-08-25:/2008/08/25/drinkproblem-4634781/Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:52:04 +0200 <p>Last night I attended two drink related incidents which demonstrated that alcoholism is not a problem determined by any class distinctions and that class is not necessarily a case of wealth versus poverty. </p> <p>90% of what I do as a paramedic involves dealing with non-emergency situations. I had no idea of this before I became a paramedic and God knows if I had been aware of it, and the shocking salaries (less than the national average), I wouldn’t have touched this career with a barge pole. Quite simply, the rare occasions when I feel that I have really made a difference to someone who deserved and needed paramedic help are way to few and far between to make up for the daily crap we have to deal with. I find the calls to fuck-witted people less and less funny with each shift. I do not suffer fools gladly, and between hopelessly dim-witted managers, people calling who don’t need us and have no common sense or idea of community responsibility (i.e. not wasting our time and very likely delaying us from reaching people who really do) I find myself surrounded by them. My patience for the job is running diaphanously thin. </p> <p>The first call was to a pair of piss artists living on incapacity benefits in a run-down council owned flat in a local, sought-after market town. Having downed a few cans of lager which had been paid for by hard pressed council tax payers like me in return for absolutely nothing from these wasters, one had stood up, stumbled on the can strewn, filthy floor and landed cleanly on her chin, opening it up with a fairly deep laceration. The pair of them were quite friendly and sociable when we arrived. I guess this is because they enjoy a gifted life of living and drinking at the expense of others. I think perhaps it would make me happy too, for a while at least… Satellite TV, cigarettes, beer, lodgings, food and bills…not a care in the world.</p> <p>I wondered at their incapacity. Both have no problem moving. Either could have done manual work if nothing else and also who gives them enough not only to live but to party! </p> <p>We tried in vain to get her to go to hospital and were declined. Who would get them home? Not us we said. And if you have spent all your cash on booze and fags, that’s your problem, I thought. Why call an ambulance if you will then decline hospital? Here is the key point in this meeting though. At one point, the man of the house offered us a drink; an ice cold lager on a hot night. Remember this. We declined obviously. But we were offered it all the same. After a long time trying to convince the patient to go, I decided she’d had enough chances to agree and that it was time for us to leave and head off, making ourselves available to someone needier. We are often delayed in backing up single responders helping critically ill or injured patients by such…people… who mock the idea of humans as an intelligent species…</p> <p>Later the same evening we were called as an emergency to a woman lying on the steps at the front door of a mansion house in the very same market town. On arrival, we asked her, was she hurt. The answer was no. She was drunk and surrounded by three adults all of whom were sober. It is beyond me what made them call an ambulance without first seeing whether or not there was anything wrong. I’m sure we have all come pretty close to this at some point or other. You come home drunk (maybe way back as a teenager), can’t find your keys in the dark garden and think, well, this hard path looks just about the most comfortable place in the world for a little nap. And when your friends find you, even if they are drunk themselves, they somehow remember it isn’t good to sleep like that on the step, and in some kind of drunken committee approach manage to check you’re okay, coax you to your feet (or maybe just your knees) and herd you at least as far as the hall way, where someone flings a coat or perhaps just a hapless cat over you before collapsing in their bed, or your bed or the kitchen sink or something. </p> <p>Well these people had done no such thing. Without even checking to see whether an ambulance was really needed, they called. Because they are fuckwits. Or perhaps because manual handling is something they pay their taxes to have suckers like us do… I’m not sure which. </p> <p>We pretty soon had this uninjured and well woman into her grand drawing room. And her son, a strapping lad who, with the help of the neighbour also present could easily have got this woman into the house without us, without wasting our time and risking the lives of others in the community, stood in the doorway impassive. He stood in the door next to the kitchen. And not once did this inbred toff fucker even hint that we might like a drink at this early hour, a tea or coffee for tired and helpful people while we filled in the paperwork for his lush lowlife mother, who treated us as a service that she had a god given right to call upon at any old bollocks whim. Afterall, she said, we're all entitled to a night out! Yes, but perhaps you should budget for the £250 of tax payers money it cost to get her over her doorstep. </p> <p>Both cases involved drunk women, wasted resources and risked the lives of those 10% who might really need us, the ones that give me satisfaction and pride and make me genuinely care.</p> <p>But though these cases were at either end of the social spectrum, one poor the other rich, one educated the other not, the people with real class turned out to be those who looked the least classy. Those who should have had manners and humility, education and sensitivity to others were the most selfish and had the least excuse for us being there. </p> <p>And I’m caught in the middle. Unable to say what I think to either except through an anonymous blog and it’s getting me down… </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/drinkproblem-4634781/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>classsatisfactionwastesensitivitytaxfrustrationanonymoustoffdrinkalcoholhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/drinkproblem-4634781/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/getting-the-hang-of-it-4566771/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-08-10:/2008/08/10/getting-the-hang-of-it-4566771/Sun, 10 Aug 2008 14:05:58 +0200 <p>Having just caught the tail end of Dancer in the Dark starring Bjork, I am reminded of my own experience of hangings. </p> <p>For me, black humour surrounds my dealing with victims of hanging. The alternative is to become maudlin and eventually unable to do your job or even to live a normal life. Our job is to confirm the victim is dead (by touch) or to work on them as a possible survivor. I greatly prefer the latter option because it is far less ugly. I touch dead people a lot, though not through choice but because I have to to do my job. But hanging are ugly and I hate touching them, confirming no pulse and rigor mortis. I imagine hangings are also exceptionally painful if the victim fails to break their neck since pressure on the blood vessels, nerves and tendons of the neck is extremely painful. I know this from marshal arts. I get strangled and choked alot.</p> <p>I went to one a little while ago. A lonely old man had had enough. I was confused in my feelings. Was he brave for doing something which might ultimately take a lot of courage to actually do or was he a coward for failing to face the trials of life a little longer? I don't really want to go into the ins and outs of why people kill themselves. I don't know enough about it. But this person had done their best to smooth the way for the relatives. Paperwork regarding financial matters, wills etc, were left in a clearly marked and carefully ordered folder. No mess had been left. </p> <p>Despite these preparations, the man's family still had to find him hanging at the top of the stairs, with puffed and blotched face, tongue lolling and swollen, eyeballs bulging. After cutting him down we had to leave the building. He'd been hanging with the heating on for 48 hours and the smell was unbelievable...</p> <p>When we first arrived on scene, we were closely followed by relatives. Before we had time to cut him down (once the police had inspected the scene) a relative entered the front door, directly below the gruesome sight. I did my best to shield the victim from view and direct the relative into another room, but it was hopeless. It was distressing obviously. </p> <p>I am making this point not because I have some sick fascination with it but because I want to make it clear to everyone that this is often not a beautiful or pain free way to go and it is a horrific thing for a friend, relative or even hardened emergency services personnel to have to find. Good clerical arrangements are hardly a trade for giving such an unforgettable shock. There are people like the Samaritans who can help a person to see an alternative to suicide. </p> <p>But some people are determined. I once went to a woman who habitually tried to kill herself but generally without success. This time she managed it. As my boss pointed out (a la Austin Powers) she got the hang of it in the end!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/getting-the-hang-of-it-4566771/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>suicideaustin-powershangingbjorkhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/getting-the-hang-of-it-4566771/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/wasted-time-4563516/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/wasted-time-4563516/Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:56:29 +0200 <p>As you know, I'm a paramedic and sometimes that involves some pretty interesting experiences. But more often than not us medics come into contact with some pretty crazy people. We see life. And for a lot of us, that is what keeps us in a job with low pay and terrible hours that practically kill our social lives! But sometimes seeing life, we only see the dumb-arse end of the scale. In fact, it's our bread and butter. </p> <p>Last night, I was called out to over half a dozen jobs, which was busier than usual for our little station. Of those, only one person actually needed to go to hospital. I could understand being called out to people if they were panicking, but here's a prime couple of examples of the sort of thing we do. </p> <p>Late in the evening we got a call to a stabbing in the town centre. I was pretty excited. Makes a change from picking up old people covered in their own bodily produce. Finally, I might actually get a chance to save a life for a change! We waited for the police to arrive before going in. It is standard practice for us to do this since our employers are too cheap to buy us anything useful like a stab vest or belt clip for our radios. </p> <p>I get in there, really looking forward to working on a genuine casualty and find a young bloke with a few abrasions across his abdomen. Fucking twat didn't have a single cut or penetrating wound on him but had called us anyway. My adrenaline cooled and solidified to a block of black depression and I stacked it in my soul with all the other false alarm based blocks I have made over the years. Recently, I'm finding the constant contact with idiots harder and harder to bear. What part of 'accident' or 'emergency' do these people not understand? The most infuriating thing is that somewhere else in town a baby could be choking, with just moments to live, and we're tied up with a bloke that seems to have self inflicted scratches he's blaming on a bloke with a 'blade', an extremely blunt one. </p> <p>It turns out that a baby <em>was</em> choking, apparently. We were headed back to base when we got the call. Dinner was ditched and we hot footed to the disaster, aware that seconds count, feeling the crushing yet lifting weight of responsibility on our shoulders, rehearsing, checking drug protocols. Adrenaline really pumping this time. Trouble locating the address. We found it after a few minutes of controlled panick and major pressure. Legged it in to find baby sat, pink and smiling. </p> <p>"She was choking, and coughing up sticky stuff!" hyperventilates big fat mum in her greasy dressing gown. She's vomited milk more likes. My eyes meet my colleague's. They roll in unison.</p> <p>Baby smiles and gives a little wink. "I'm not as dumb as my mum and dad," she's thinking. "But I needed to puke out the shit they're trying to feed me!"</p> <p>It's cooking hot in the room and baby is well dressed. We'll be back later for convulsions no doubt. I check her over and my first impression is confirmed, there is nothing wrong with her. She vomited as babies do. But someone forgot to find out if mum and dad were too stupid to breed or not. These people should have a licence. Pass an exam. I suppose they love the little miss, and can't help being a bit dim. But why call us? </p> <p>I left, wiping my feet on the way out, muttering like Mutly. </p> <p>After a 40 minute doze in the small hours we got a call to an elderly man with chest pain.<br> We rushed to it some miles away but not with the same gusto as our earlier false alarms. Stabbings and babies are rare and emotive you see. </p> <p>The sun was coming up to light a well kept flower garden. Maybe not a fuckwit then. But we found our patient sitting patiently on the side of a bed, fit as you or I. Fuckwits come in all classes. Heart attacks have a certain outward character that most medics will recognise without the need for ECG. It allows us to change gear as soon as we glimpse the patient. Are we in a hurry or not? It depends on the vital signs, colour and demeanor, observed within seconds of seeing our patient. This man had none of those time critical characteristics. My gears grinded down in a sleepy haze. Turns out he had the pain for a month. It hadn't changed. It was under investigation already. He just decided that he couldn't wait another two hours for doctor's surgery to open before seeing another medic to tell him what all the others had already told him. To this moment, I still don't really get what he wanted, because he didn't even seem that panicked. It doesn't say 'hand holding and reassurance for old problems under investigation' or 'here for a second opinion' on our vehicle sides. It says 'Accident and Emergency'. 'I don't want to go to hospital,' he said. So why call an ambulance?? I knelt at the end of the bed, my head still swimming from the drunken feeling of being awake when most normal people are well asleep, in bed with their partners or perhaps someone else's partner, and wondered if someone I knew was waiting for an ambulance to really save their life while we were with this individual of a certain type (you know what type!).</p> <p>I was angry. I joined to save life and when I get the chance I'm good at it and I care about the outcome. But the job puts you into contact with these people because the triage team can't say no and the company refuses to fine time wasters. I joined the ambulance service for a career making a difference to the life expectancy of people in dire need. But it's official; only 10% of our work involves genuine emergencies. If you were satisfied with only ten percent of what you did at work, how would you feel? Would you quit? Find a new job?</p> <p>What should I do? You tell me. What should you do? Think before you call. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/wasted-time-4563516/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>emergencyfalseambulancefuckwitstabbingchokinghttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/wasted-time-4563516/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/30-years-of-joy-4469013/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-07-19:/2008/07/19/30-years-of-joy-4469013/Sat, 19 Jul 2008 13:40:43 +0200 <p>David Coverdale was heading Whitesnake when I was just three years old. Last night I saw him for the first time in concert, celebrating 30 years of crooning at the top of his game. I've always loved certain of Whitesnake's hits, though I must admit that as my tastes and emotional drives have changed I listened to them less and less in recent years. Nevertheless the band could still seduce a crowd of old and new fans. But do they, and particularly David Coverdale, still love it?</p> <p>I ask this question because I have been both lucky and unlucky enough to see stardom and its effects on stars and their families from the inside. Most people only know and therefore love the icon on the stage. But these icons have family often burdened with the weight of propping up such flawed and often 'fallen angels'. Whilst the drink, drugs and womanising reputation of some stars earns them kudos with fans, the families and friends have to cope with the tortured and often egocentric souls behind the creativity and talent.</p> <p>The family I knew, and eventually joined, is philosophical about the position they find themselves in. The resignation was that their sacrifice and support was for the greater good, a contribution to art and creativity and to the happiness of others. But for me this laissez-faire approach to the behaviour of 'the chosen one' tarnished the very greatness of their art. But then, I believe that greatness is to be great to the betterment of the lives of those around you, not at the cost of sacrifice of your nearest and dearest.</p> <p>I make no insinuations of DC himself. I do not know his family life or back ground and there seemed to be a lot of love on the stage between the musicians and with the audience. There is no doubt that his charisma and talent are responsible for the longevity and success of his career. Ten years ago I would have been a little awed by such close proximity to so famous and talented a person. But standing there just a few feet from the stage, close enough to see the wrinkles on the old icon, I couldn't help wondering about his real thoughts as he waved and pointed to members of the crowd, who reacted as if they had had a one to one with a god, perhaps a slightly bored and tired one. DC worked the crowd like a pro but with a tinge of the hum drum, perhaps trying to be excited by yet another thrown thong, yet another city, yet another night at work after 30 years of performing to the expectations of strangers. I can only thank god and praise the whole band that they didn't seem to take themselves too seriously because, despite having a good time, I certainly couldn't!</p> <p>Congratulations, DC, on 30 years of doing anything well. I bow to you as a self-made, great Brit and I hope your greatness is the greatest kind, one that leaves no trail of loving victims, for such a flawed greatness is no kind of greatness at all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/30-years-of-joy-4469013/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>sexstagewhitesnakegreatnessfidelityrocktourcareerfamilycoverdaleboredomlovehttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/30-years-of-joy-4469013/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/searching-for-something-4469000/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-07-19:/2008/07/19/searching-for-something-4469000/Sat, 19 Jul 2008 13:38:19 +0200 <p>When I was 22 I worked for a small firm making good money as an account manager and salesman. I spent three years on an industrial estate in Oxfordshire in what I now realise was a bubble of blissful ignorance. At first the job was fun. Compared to retail management (which I had quit due to unbelievably long hours and low pay) this was a holiday.</p> <p>I remember the first week very well for two reasons in particular. Firstly, despite it still being common place for people to smoke at their desks, I really enjoyed the happy money making environment. I was at last taking some control of my own destiny. And secondly because of an event I had in the shower of my new lodgings (raised eyebrows all round!). The shower cubicle was built into the wall and had a door which split down the middle to slide to one side. It was practically hermetically sealed. I stepped in, and whilst showering felt I should pinch myself for not only landing a plum job back in my beloved home county but also because I felt I must be missing a key point if this job seemed so easy. I finished my shower and went to step out but could I open the door? Most definitely not.</p> <p>When I was young my brothers and I used to play a game called smurf war. We would all get into our blue sleeping bags and launch ourselves at each other in a kind of moshing action. But my brother, who was unbelievably cruel to me when I was a child and also much bigger than me, used to push my head down into my sleeping bag and seal of the top with an iron like grip. Being prone to a little claustrophobia I used to freak out until, fearing that my cries of sheer terror would bring one of my parents up the stairs with the dreaded 'spoon' he would let me out.</p> <p>Stuck in the shower and suddenly feeling caught between the terror of what seemed to be a rapidly exhausting air supply and the alternate fear of embarrassment at seeking help when I was trapped bollock naked in my new lodgings, that feeling of claustrophobia came flooding back. I searched for the release of the door in a panic. Couldn't find it.</p> <p>Being six feet tall and well built I decided it was better to wreck the door than to suffocate and began to shoulder barge it but with limited 'run up' all I managed to do was flex the door a little and feel a sudden rush of cold air which I gulped in gladly before being sprung back into my steamy soon to be sarcophagus. Having repeatedly barged the door in an effort to get out my hand slipped to the central divider between the two doors where I found a cunningly concealed finger hold. I pulled and the doors swung open. I stepped from my new and newly wrecked cubicle feeling totally stupid. I think maybe this was a sign of things to come. I have had a tendency to wreck things in an attempt to escape feeling trapped.</p> <p>In time, my work in the office began to drag me down. Although I was making good money, I began to hate repeating the same kinds of conversation with the same kinds of people. To this day I find repetition torturous. At that time, and following a parachute jump which made me realise there was more to life, I hatched my escape plan and over the next year I brought it into reality (more on that some other time...).</p> <p>Why am I talking about this? Well, last night my best friend came round for his weekly feed and natter. He looked pretty dejected when he walked through the door and the conversation eventually got round to why this was so. Many moons ago my friend chose to stay in a job which bored him because his agenda was not one of reaching out into the world for new experiences in the way that mine was.</p> <p>Ten years with the same firm, doggedly avoiding redundancy offers and the temptations of telling his managers to kiss their derrieres and a short period with a couple of other companies eventually brought him to what might be termed consultant status within business. At this point he left, set up his own firm and now makes astronomical money as a self employed consultant.</p> <p>The thing is, he chose a path which brought him everything he could dream of except the one thing he really wants, a good woman in his life.</p> <p>Talking last night, we came to the conclusion that we had both chosen paths that ended us up envying the other. As a poorly paid and miserably treated paramedic harbouring seething ambitions for greatness and kudos, I would love to be in his position; well paid, respected and consulted.</p> <p>He looks upon my married life and feels that time is running out. He feels that despite all his efforts he just can't seem to change his life in this respect. He feels that it is beyond his control.</p> <p>And having cast about for an alternative to excrement covered patients and excrement talking managers, I too feel frustrated and desperate that my chance to get recognition and success is slipping away.</p> <p>My point is this. Having both made decisions that were right for us at the time, our lives had unfolded roughly in the shadow of one another, his path leading to prosperity and kudos, mine to memories and crazy experience and stable marriage. Each dissatisfied in one key aspect, we both want a bit of what the other has but are losing hope of making it happen. It raises the question; what could we have done in the past or do now to make us satisfied?</p> <p>If anyone has the answer, I would love to hear it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/searching-for-something-4469000/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>careerspathsshowerwomenlostlovedecisionsrelationshipsworksexfamilyhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/searching-for-something-4469000/#commentshttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/car-crash-death-4468982/tag:squarepegdiary.blog.co.uk,2008-07-19:/2008/07/19/car-crash-death-4468982/Sat, 19 Jul 2008 13:34:59 +0200 <p>It's hard to contemplate the death of young people in car accidents. Right now the country is in shock at the death of a group of six in a head on collision. While the death of these people is tragic and the tributes of family and friends is commendable, I find myself wondering why the press haven't aired the question yet, how many people was the car designed to carry safely? I have had cause to attend many fatal accidents and one thing that strikes me often is the difference that wearing a seatbelt can make to survivability of occupants. Sure there are occasions when unbelted occupants are thrown clear of wreckage that would otherwise have killed them, but I have been there and seen people die who would probably have survived had they not been rattled around inside the vehicle on impact i.e. had they been wearing a seatbelt. The country has itself to blame for the poor consideration shown by drivers, particularly the young and inexperienced, to the effects of high speed impacts on that bubble of machinery they are so blissfully and precariously racing along in. Why? Because driver education fails to make the reality of ugly mutilation in accidents known to drivers from day one. As a trainee paramedic I had fire in my belly and drove fast. After seeing how even the strongest vehicles can disintegrate in high speed impacts and seen first hand and in pictures the effects on the occupants, I slowed down. It was instant and permanent, like the effects of driving too fast. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones or whose lives have been affected by the poor driving of themselves or others. To survive a fatal accident is to be saddled with guilt and sadness for the rest of your life. The real tragedy of accidents is the harming of people who simply got in the way; the wrong place wrong time syndrome. Tragic because they had no part or blame in the events that led to their death or serious injury. The right place for speed is the race track or the air. You want to go fast? Try sky diving! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/car-crash-death-4468982/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>ambulanceparamedicoccupantsspeedcrashcarfatalkilledskydivingcollisiondeathhttp://SquarePegDiary.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/car-crash-death-4468982/#comments