I was and perhaps still am capable of switching off my emotions and my moral compass to do what needs to be done. Reading Libby’s blog about finding a first love again reminds me of something I did that I regret to this day. After all, sometimes it is better to regret not doing something than to regret doing it…

After several years away, I returned to work near my old home town and soon began to restore my friendships with those great people with whom I’d spent my wonderful formative years.

One of those people was my first girlfriend. A wonderful girl to whom I lost my virginity aged 16. My relationship with her then had been stormy. It was a baptism of fire for me; a rollercoaster introduction to the world of women and relationships.

Our first evening together felt so natural. She had a home and a happy marriage. She had a beautiful child whom I quickly became fond of. Once or twice a week I would go there and talk to her. She knew my work mates from our school days and became my muse as I off loaded my week of frustration about work or girlfriends of the time. She too, would talk about her frustrations and plans. I never gave much thought to her complaints about her overworked husband’s declining sex drive.

Over a year she became my emotional rock, to whom I ran when things were going badly. We became close friends and I valued her friendship. This supportive and deep friendship was in such juxtaposition from the tempestuous relationship we had had, when she taught me about cruelty and betrayal.

One night, I lay on the sofa opposite her and we chatted about life and drank sparkling wine. And then, before I knew what was happening, she was leaning over me, her auburn hair cascading down onto my chest. She kissed me passionately and said, “When are you going to seduce me then? It’s been six months since I had sex.”

I was shocked. I had never seen it coming. I felt exhilarated and appalled at the same time. How could I betray her husband, who had been so welcoming to me? Soon after this first event, I mounted my motorcycle and road off into the city night, my mind awash with possibilities.

Before long we were going out for drinks, something we had not previously done. We stole kisses on the way back to her house, petted in dark corners of the rumbling inferno. And smiled at her husband as he welcomed us back, asking how the pub had been.

Then one day it was arranged. She could wait no longer. As a testosterone fuelled male, I felt it was necessary to me too. I cared about her, but I simply wanted to fuck her on the hard animal level of things. My moral compass and my mixed emotions were ignored.

I dropped her husband at work and came back to the house. I entered his house with a cold stone of inevitability heavy in my stomach, and entered his wife with cold and calculating heart. The buy awoke in another room. She gripped my hard body as I sped up to satisfy my own desire before he could come knocking at the door. She gasped as I pounded. And when all was done not a smile flickered between us guilty lovers as we kissed and separated there in that bed. But I knew now that I was capable of anything; a dangerous adversary to anyone who dared cross me.

Shortly after this event I moved away with work. I met a wonderful girl with whom I had the potential to be a life long partner. I called my first love to tell her we could not meet again as planned. I had to give this real relationship a chance. She told me she felt used. I let her hypocrisy lie.

I did not see her again after that first cold fuck. In switching off my moral compass to satisfy my carnal desires, I had lost a great friendship and my place in a wonderful family. Some years later I tracked her down again to try to make sense of what had happened and rescue that important friendship. Her reply spoke of happy, growing family life and I decided it best to let it lie.

I had several relationships with married women before I settled down. None brought me happiness until I met my wife this way. Now I am committed to my wife. I can no longer switch off my moral compass because it is ALL that I am, all that is left of me. Loyalty is everything to me now. To love and care for my children and wife and to not let them down. How far removed from the cold blooded man I once was.

How I regretted being that man. How I regretted it daily for years. I thought of her so often, and suffered each time, only forgiving myself after ten years…